How my personal experience inspired my research study
To truly understand my excitement about this new project – and my deep commitment to researching the potential benefits of self-compassion for people who stammer – I need to share a little about how self-compassion changed my own life. Some of you may have read parts of my story before, but I believe it’s worth revisiting.
My struggle with stammering and self-criticism
For the first 23 years of my life, I did everything I could to hide my stammer. I saw it as a flaw, something that needed to be erased. Every time I stammered, my inner critic was relentless. I would say to myself ‘It’s all my fault,’ ‘I looked stupid—no one will want to talk to me now.’
When I entered the workplace, the pressure intensified. In a demanding environment, avoidance, self-criticism, anxiety, and shame took control. At the time, I truly believed it was all my fault.
Then came a turning point. I attended the City Lit Intensive course, which was hugely beneficial. I embraced the idea that avoidance was the enemy and threw myself into facing my fears. At first, this mindset helped. But as I returned to the real world, I discovered just how difficult it was to stop my avoidance in all situations. When I inevitably struggled, the self-criticism returned – this time focussed on my continued avoidance. Thoughts like ‘Why am I not braver?’, ‘Why can’t I just be authentic and stammer openly?’ and ’I’m making my life harder – it’s my fault’ all began to beat me down.
I felt trapped. No matter how hard I tried, the shame lingered. I had changed my external behaviours, but inside, I was still berating myself. That’s when I started wondering: Maybe a more fundamental change was needed?
Discovering self-compassion
When I first heard about the idea of self-compassion, I was sceptical. It sounded too soft, too passive. But then, I did an exercise that involved writing down how I spoke to myself in moments of struggle and difficulty and then comparing this to how I would speak to a close friend when they are struggling. The contrast was staggering. It was the moment I realised that my harsh inner dialogue wasn’t helping – it was keeping me stuck.
Through self-compassion exercises and daily practices, I began to treat myself with more understanding, validation, and encouragement. I came to see that it wasn’t my fault that I had grown up with a stammer and my avoidance had just started as a way to protect myself from feelings of shame. Society had reinforced, in countless ways, that stammering was something that was ‘wrong’ and should be reduced as much as possible or hidden. My avoidance had become so strong because I was a small child trying to navigate a complicated world where I felt different to others. Now when I stammered more openly, those feelings of vulnerability and shame that I felt as a child would return, and it suddenly made sense as to why it was so hard for me to reduce my avoidance.
Another profound shift came from understanding human nature: Our brains evolved for survival, not for thriving in a complex modern world where social comparison is constant through social media. We did not choose to have minds wired for threat detection, self-criticism, and worry – these were once essential for survival.
Early humans who were hyper-aware of danger, rejection, or failure were more likely to stay alive. Our ancestors needed to belong to their social group; being cast out could mean death. This is why our brains are finely tuned to detect even the smallest signs of disapproval or failure – it was once a survival skill.
Fast forward to today, and this same brain – designed for the threats of the wild – now operates in a world of performance reviews, social media, and never-ending comparisons. Our minds constantly scan for threats, but instead of wild animals, we worry about being judged, making mistakes, or not measuring up.
So, when I found myself avoiding, self-criticising, or feeling anxious, it wasn’t because I was weak or failing. It was because my brain was doing what it evolved to do: protect me, and it was not my fault.
The fear of losing motivation
One of my biggest fears was that if I became self-compassionate, I would lose my drive to improve. Would I still push myself? Would I still achieve anything?
The reality was the opposite. Self-compassion didn’t weaken my motivation – it strengthened it. With self-kindness replacing self-criticism, I felt braver. I began to take more risks, face my fears, and embraced vulnerability. This continuing transformation has led me to a question:
“Could self-compassion help other people who stammer?”
My research
Three years ago, I conducted my first research study on self-compassion and stammering. The findings were promising and in line with previous research: higher levels of self-compassion were linked to a lower impact of stammering on quality of life.
Now, I’m taking the next step. I am running an intervention study exploring whether a two-week self-compassion skills course can make a meaningful difference.
Participants will take part in a self-directed online programme, featuring daily 10-15 minute videos narrated by me with animations to enhance accessibility and engagement. The videos involve practical exercises to build self-compassion skills.
This study is exciting because it has the potential to show that even a brief self-compassion intervention can lead to increased self-compassion, higher self-esteem and reduced anxiety in social situations
This is the first study of its kind, and I can’t wait to see the impact it has.
By Ben Farmer
Join the study and support the stammering community
If this blog post has sparked your curiosity about self-compassion and how it could benefit you, I’d love for you to take part.
By joining the study, you’ll not only gain tools that could transform your relationship with stammering, but you’ll also be helping the stammering community by contributing to research that can improve future interventions.
Link for more information and to sign up: https://surreyfahs.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_dcJfcHnch48caii
Alternatively, if you wish to email me expressing interest or to ask me any initial questions you may have about the study, you can contact me via: b.farmer@surrey.ac.uk